the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
