He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
