I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
