i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
