I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I will be naked everywhere
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
