I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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