I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
