ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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