i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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