I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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