why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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