wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
