I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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