we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
