Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
