i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think I sprained my soul last night
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
