dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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