Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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