I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
