i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
