I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think your dad took our porno
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
