Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
