Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
