you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
