i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
