On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
