now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
