So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
