she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
last night I used snow as a chaser
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