He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
