I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
