come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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