My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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