Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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