in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
