I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
