I got chris browned last night
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
