You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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