my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
my poor anus
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
