I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
