dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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