i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i think i just lost a toe
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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