If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
