remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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