You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
