I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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