rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
