They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
