did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
