Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
