He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
