I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
