dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
